“We were distracted. We wanted RG3. It’s the Redskins’ fault. They’re all like, ‘Look over there!” and when we weren’t looking, they switch name cards on us. We demand a re-do!”

Because of these extenuating circumstances, Roger Goodell granted the first do-over in the history of the NFL draft. However, true to his strict management of NFL operations, Goodell made it clear to the Colts that it’s for keepsies this time.

The draft do-over will be held on the first date Radio City Music Hall has open.

The Packers today signed a top tier pass rusher to compliment Clay Matthews. Adrian Martinez, famous for his role in the State Farm “Discount Double Check” commercials, will help the Pack get after the QB this year.

CP Newswire/April Fools

“I was actually rather disappointed in my performance. I’ve been working hard to break that ridiculous habit I have of jumping straight up in the air and hovering for a bit while slapping my feet together before actually taking off. If I can get a handle on that, I believe I can shave an additional 0.10 second off my time.”

Many teams have serious concerns about the Roadrunner’s arm length believing he just doesn’t have the body to play wide receiver in the NFL. The Roadrunner isn’t worried though. In his words, “There are plenty of teams that are going to give me a chance despite my 22″ wingspan. The Jaguars are very interested because… let’s face it… they just don’t pass the ball anyhow. In the Jacksonville system, I would simply have to draw defensive backs out of the play, and with my speed, people definitely have to pay attention.”

When asked about the move, Chairman and CEO Clark Hunt had this to say.

“Once we started thinking outside the box, the selection was really quite apparent. Jillian has a phenomenal connection with the fans. With her coaching the team we actually expect a substantial increase in ticket sales. She actually minored in coaching at the University of Northern Iowa. Plus, she’s a third grade teacher, so she’ll fit right in instructing our team in the finer points of the game of football. Besides, God knows she can’t do worse than we’re doing now.”

When interviewed about her new position, Jillian admitted that rapid changes would take place.

“As frequently happens after a head coaching change,” coach Jillian said in an interview with The Cheese’s Maximillian Penderschnuck, “I will be bringing in my own coaching staff. Mostly these will come from my current cheer team.”

“Jeron has a degree in Health and Exercise Science, so she’ll work well as the team’s strength and conditioning coach. Plus, she’s a dance instructor which will allow her to double as the wide receivers coach.”

“Kari will be my defensive coordinator. She has a BS in Corporate Communications, and, anything with the initials ‘BS’ fits right into this organization.”

“Kim will be our offensive coordinator. She has a BS (again with the BS) in Computer Science and a Masters degree in Computer and Human Interaction. I’m hoping she can make some progress in teaching our team how to actually study film. To date, they’ve had difficulty just getting the equipment to operate.”

“Unfortunately, I’ll have to leave behind good people like my good friend Jillian, because, well, two Jillians on the same coaching staff would be just plain confusing.”

Ex-coach Haley claimed there were no hard feelings. “Heck with a coaching staff like that, I intend to continue attending the games.

While Suh was acquitted of all charges in the stomping incident with Joe Buck, he was fully indicted on charges of child abuse, animal abuse, and general childishness in the other three cases.

In the season Green Bay Packers season opener, rookie Randall Cobb looked like anything but a rookie in his 108 yard kickoff return for a touchdown…or did he? The Cheese discovered exclusive footage of Mike McCarthy mic’d up during the Cobb’s return showing just how seriously the Packers take rookie mistakes.

Cobb was treated at Sturgeon Bay memorial hospital for a concussion and several bruised ribs.

CP Newswire

Nobody moves, nobody talks, nothing is happening. The NFL slumbered like the digestive tract of a sleeping tourist on a twelve hour bus ride after three plates at the all-you-can-eat cheese and instant mashed potato bar. Hey bus driver, you might as well sell off that seat in the tiny bathroom in the back of that bus because the NFL ain’t gonna need it.

Now, while I can assume that Packers fans will in no way want to limit the amount of Cheese in the NFL’s diet (the more the better we say – both literally and in reference to our favorite team playing deep into the off-season and in the Super Bowl) I think Packers fans and fans around the league can agree on one thing…the NFL needs an enema.

Then last week…something moved. Not a lot but a little and a little is more than none. When representation from the NFL including Roger Goodell and several owners got together with player representatives and met with a judge and without lawyers, it was as if the NFL had decided to closet itself up with a good magazine and get some serious business over with.

Unfortunately, whatever moved never became completely dislodged and the blockage remains…for now. We all feel like this will end sometime “There gonna play football”, we say but as time wears on and the buildup continues with no relief in sight, we are all starting to wonder, “When”.

The NFL needs an enema in the form of:

• a judgement
• an agreement that is equitable for both parties and brings football back to the fans who pay everybody’s bills
• two gallons of black tea, a half gallon of barium, a bottle of liquid Plumr, a splash of fuming sulphuric acid and (for those tough jobs) a running 18 volt DeWalt Drill.

But keep the Cheese coming!

Marshawn Lynch looks to have another positive run sometime in '11

Seattle

Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run in the Wildcard upset over the Saints last season made its way to NFL’s top 20 games of 2010. Lynch commented today that it is not entirely out of the question that he has another good run sometime during the 2011 season.

“That’s how I roll,” Lynch said. “It’ll be like 1 yard, minus 3, a half yard, another half yard, 2 yards, minus 4 – pretty much all season but then, like, I’ll bust a 67 yarder and cause an earthquake. And since the NFC West sucks so bad, that could even happen in the playoffs. Count on it probably. That means teams really have to game plan for me ’cause, like, what if that 67 yarder is about to be now, what are you gonna do then? Nothin.”

Lynch said that making one elite run per year is a goal of his.

“If you can do it once in your career, who says you can’t do it another time in your career. I’d like to do one every year. I’m pretty sure I’ll have another good run sometime. I hope it is sooner rather than later ’cause man, that felt pretty good, I must have broken like 12 arm tackles.”

When asked if having a great run like the one against the Saints and threatening to do it again sometime, perhaps while on the football field against another team, is a way to “stick it” to the teams that didn’t want him like the Bills and the Packers who reportedly were considering trading AJ Hawk for him but did not pull the trigger, he said:

“Yeah, bet those Packers were really kicking themselves after that run…it’s a good thing they didn’t have to face us in the playoffs, I might have had two good runs in that game if we made it that far.”

CP Newswire

The main question that remains is which Jay Cutler John was mistaken for. Below are the primary suspects in this high-profile case of mistaken identity. I leave it to you, the readers, to settle the issue of which Jay Cutler the cashier thought stood before her in the comments of this article.